Karen deBalbian Verster

It’s a parent’s worst nightmare to lose a child, an any age.  Mom was a mother figure to Karen, who died recently, and I know my mother has been hurting with that loss.

If I’m honest about it, I can’t say I’ve been eager to share my mother with Karen.  My status as the only girl among 5 kids has always been an important part of me, and so Karen’s relationship with Mom took a little bit of something away from me, or at least from the little girl inside.  I haven’t felt jealous of Karen though -- that’s not the emotion.  I could see their relationship was special, and I enjoyed Karen’s bright spirit when I was fortunate enough to have her in my orbit.  She was extraordinary.  Karen’s mother Claire was not there for her in the ways that Karen needed her to be, and so her friendship with Mom became fundamental because of that dynamic, combined with Mom’s own nurturing, fun, supportive nature.  I never felt that Mom preferred Karen to me… I don’t think she took the kind of pride in Karen’s achievements that she takes in mine.  So I’m not jealous.  I’m happy that they’ve had each other for all these many years, and sad at Mom’s painful loss.

I’m fortunate to somehow have an instinct that allows me to enjoy the fact that other people love who and what they love.  In the same way that I respect and appreciate Mom’s relationship with Karen, I’m never jealous of the other friends of my friends.  We should all have multiple good friends!  I would never try to get between Peter and surfing or Peter and mathematics.  Most people seem to have an infinite capacity for love, so it’s not an either-or kind of force.  We have limited time on the planet though, and that’s where the rub can come I suppose.  But I don’t see the point in jealousy or trying to steal or stifle someone’s passions.  I’m not sure if love begets love all the time, but it does ring true to me that the more you give, the more you get.  Unless you’re married to a thief, or a selfish prick or something.

Anyway, Karen and I had a rare, very long phone conversation within the past year.  The kind of call where your ear and your elbow are sore and your battery is nearly dead and you know you need to end it but keep thinking of things you want to talk about!  Karen voiced her concern that some members of our family might think she was taking Mom’s attention away from us if she were to come and stay with Mom over her 80^th birthday week.  I reassured her that was not the case and we would love to have her there.  We talked about our fathers, who were great friends around the time both left their families, and what that meant for us.  We compared notes on parenting and the writing process and what’s most important in life.  She turned me on to The Artist’s Way again, at a time when I was finally ready to dive into it, and it’s that book has become my bible.  I will never leave it.

In the same conversation, Karen expressed a sincere appreciation to me for having shared Mom with her for all these years.  I told her how much I admire her for so many things…for her writing and creativity, for how well she always seemed to know herself; for her strength and will and love of fun.  I told her what an inspiration she has been to me, how when I feel lazy or down on myself, I think of the stamina and energy she has found to do so many difficult and amazing things, and that image has been powerfully motivating.  I told her that we all know she is a force of nature. 

That were some emotional moments during our call, and much laughter.  I know we both felt that it was a great conversation, and I’m so grateful that we both took the time to connect when she was feeling good and I was eager and able to really listen.  There is a bigger part of Karen in me because of that call, and I am a stronger me now.